Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Top 10 (Plus 1) Ladies of the European Middle Ages

Top 10 (Plus 1) Ladies of the European Middle Ages

In the spirit of gender equality, I am following up my list of Top 10 (plus 1) Knights of the Middle Ages with the other side of the shilling.  Although you wouldn’t know it from all the goofy movies and TV shows out there, European women in the Middle Ages (500-1500) made wide-ranging contributions to politics, religion, war, and the broader culture.  Some were even involved in business, and I don’t mean selling dairy products from a stall at the village market.  I cast my net into the chronicles of Western Christendom and trawled up ten genuine ladies of influence, both in their own time and subsequently, and one imaginary queen.  Yes, to be fair and equal, I am putting up eleven individuals.


I set up my rating system on the basis of contribution, whether it be political, cultural or religious, fame, contemporary resonance, influence, and sexiness.  All are subjective criteria to be sure, but the last one does not even pretend to objectivity – it’s based on what I like.  Deal with it.  Therefore, I include a ‘sex appeal’ rating, just to give a little spice to the proceedings, and let’s face it, that’s the first thing to come to mind when viewing their portraits. Or, to justify my reasoning from an academic point of view, sexual attraction was an important component of social interaction for women in the Middle Ages, so it cannot be ignored…blah, blah, blah. Enjoy!


MargeryKempe


Known For:  Bring one of the earliest women to write a secular, practical work


Sex Appeal:  Money, brains, beauty, great in the sack…higher than high


The original bourgeois princess, Margery not only got to enjoy the wealth her family accumulated, traveling around the known world just to satisfy her wanderlust, she also found the time to marry and birth fourteen children.  A few other women of her time also had the same advantages, but few of non-noble rank, and also Margery was the first to write about these trips from an intensely personal view.


The Book of Margery Kempe is a work considered to be the first autobiography in the English language, wherein she included the usual mystical musings of touched women of the age, as well as some juicy bits about her own torrid life – 14 children don’t make themselves, you know.  The narrative of Kempe’s book begins just after her marriage, and relates the experience of her difficult first pregnancy.  While delivering this child, she became gravely ill and feared for her life.  She called for a priest to hear her confession, as she had a “secret sin” that had been weighing on her conscience for some time.  The priest began to censure her before she could divulge this sin in its entirety, and then left.  Nice guy.


Fearing eternal damnation, she fell into a delusional state, seeing devils flying around her.  Considered a danger to herself and others, Marge was chained in a storeroom for six months until Jesus sat down at her bedside and asked her, “Daughter, why hast thou forsaken Me, and I forsook never thee?” She relates, at first, intending to become God’s servant, but admits she could not “leave her pride nor her pompous array.”


On the surface, this sounds a lot like a typical life of a saint, and such stories were amongst the most popular in medieval literature; however, on closer inspection, her portrayal of her own suffering is revolutionary.  For one thing, Margery is neither a virgin nor does she forsake sex; for another, she has no intention of sequestering herself or devoting herself to a life of solitary contemplation; and finally, it is clear that she considers the priest as less than useless.


Since money makes the world go round, Margery found time to make the soundest of investments – alcohol, buying a brewery and all that goes with it.  Her book was read and she became venerated by the Anglican Church, which covers her in the here and the hereafter.  She met the English mystic Julian of Norwich in her private cell for a serious conversation about God and Life just between us women, and came away from the visit buttressed in the strength of her convictions.  She led a full life, was respected in her own time, got the Church to like her, and lived to a ripe old age.  Margery is all the more remarkable when one considers that this was a time not only of the Black Death and oppressive patriarchy, but also of the witch-hunting craze, to which many an independent woman fell victim.  But Margery ranks only #10 because…well…how many of you have heard of her?


matilda


Known For:  Screwing over the Emperor and supporting free communes


Sex Appeal:  Powerful and willful, but a little shy in love owing to an incestuous marriage.  Would need extra attention


Matilda was known as the Grand Contessa, like a supervillain or an eccentric person, but she kicked enough imperial ass that to merit the title.  Her vindictiveness and sense of independence altered the course of history in Italy at a crucial time in its political, financial and social development.  Matilda was well raised in the up-and-coming industrial region of northern Italy, but she also had strong German roots, by virtue of regular conquest by the German Emperor, which tied her to high politics.


She cut her intrigue teeth on an incestuous marriage, whereby she wed her step-brother, whose father was not only the husband of Matilda’s mother, but a cousin as well.  Kissing cousins were common in the Middle Ages, though that blood was way too close for comfort and left a bad taste in Matilda’s mouth, but it also gave her an education in manipulation.  Nevertheless, being related to a host of major landowners during a time rife with disease, malnourishment and incessant warfare meant that she soon began to inherit a whole lot of fiefdom, and in those days land meant power.  This becomes very important later on.


Matilda got her first real taste of politics by helping in the elections of several Popes, who were her neighbors in Tuscany, thus tying her fate to that of the papal side during the Investiture Controversy, which is a fancy phrase for the 11th century contest over ultimate power in Europe – Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church or the Holy Roman Emperor.  The details don’t matter here.


Then Matilda got lucky.  In a move unusual for the age, she found someone to tutor her in the military arts, as well as horseback riding and serious reading.  She then ditched her lame husband and became an independent agent.  And not a moment too soon, because by 1077 the dispute between the Emperor Henry IV and Pope Gregory VII blew up, and the Emperor was forced to do penance for his recalcitrance by standing barefoot in the snow before the castle where the pope was staying.  That castle was Canossa, the ancestral home of Matilda and a refuge for the Popes when things would get too hot in Rome.  The prestige factor of hosting God’s representative on Earth during such a critical moment, making Canossa the center of European politics, elevated Matilda as a real player in the eyes of her contemporaries.


Now famous, Matilda went on the offensive by going to war with the most powerful king in Western Christendom.  She won and, not content to let bygones be bygones, she granted to communal cities in her realm, which was pretty much all of northern Italy, the right to self-government, and then willed the lot to the Pope.  Matilda sits at only #9 on this list because while she reached the top in politics, she could boast of few other lasting achievements.


Heloise


Known For:  A love affair with the scholar Peter Abelard


Sex Appeal:  Stratospheric if her letters are genuine


I now give you a double dose of literary loves.  While being a woman was hardly an enviable status during the Middle Ages on the whole, Heloise doubly suffered on account of it because not only did she have to constantly fight against the patriarchal strictures that limited her life options, she also loved too well and too openly.  She had the original student-professor love affair that by all accounts was as much based on sex as it was on intellectual admiration, which was not something that even then should be widely advertised.  She was bright, outgoing, sexy, and not afraid to speak her mind, and that got her into a lot of trouble with her minder, her uncle, who naturally suspected her.  I mean, who wants their niece corrupted by some sleazy academic, especially Abelard, who was already famous for being narcissistic and stroppy.  Nevertheless, there are dark corridors and secluded closets between classrooms, and the relationship was consummated in the most vulgar fashion.  The uncle found out and cut off the good professor’s unmentionables, an assault he miraculously survived, but perhaps only as a reminder of his corruption and humiliation.


And that is not even the hottest part of the affair.  Post-castration, Heloise got herself to a nunnery and eventually worked her way up to abbess, but she never lost that loving feeling, and established with Abelard one of the most famous and heartfelt correspondences of the Middle Ages.  But these were not just love letters.  There were investigations into the nature of love, personal relationships with God and other religious questions.  Even thus ruined socially, Heloise was such an alpha woman (She-wolf?) that she remained proud and defiant to the end of her days, challenging her erstwhile lover to nut up and not be a wishy-washy asshole.


Of course, he was anyway, and remained aloof and evasive.  Also, Heloise has the distinction of eternally resting near Jim Morrison in Père-Lachaise Cemetery in Paris, although next to the half-eunuch Abelard.


beatrice


Known For:  Being a muse and lover


Sex Appeal:  Romantic fantasy par excellence


One of the first women to be placed on a literary pedestal not to have given birth to the Savior, been martyred for her faith or otherwise behaved in some holy way, Beatrice was the romantic inspiration of the great late medieval-early Renaissance poet Dante Alighieri.  They never consummated anything, apparently, but B was a genuine daughter of the bourgeoisie, whose fleeting appearances on the streets of Florence was enough to bestill the beating hearts of young impressionable poets, starting the trend of secular muses that continues to this day.  Remember Matilda?  Well, this was a part of her legacy of granting more freedom to the independent and secular-minded industrial cities of northern Italy.


La Vita Nuova, a collection of love poems, was Dante’s way of paying romantic homage to the lady of his dreams.  Either that or it was a cheap excuse to write some pretty sick verse and blame cupid if he got caught.  Ultimately, Dante used his agitated hormones to develop the sonnet as the principal form of poetry amongst the budding literary classes, and was taken up by the 14th century cultural giants Petrarch and Boccaccio, and a couple of centuries later Shakespeare.  Plus, Beatrice died tragically in the bloom of her youth at age 24.  Dante’s love for B was one of the final flourishings of medieval courtly love, meaning that he was all show and no go, ultimately, preferring to sit behind a desk with a quill in one hand and *ahem* in the other.  B wins the ultimate literary prize when Dante appoints her the guide to Heaven in the esteemed Divine Comedy – one of the most famous and influential works to come out of the late Middle Ages.


joancountessofkent


Known For:  Creating the brightest court and landing the biggest matrimonial catch


Sex Appeal:  High with her ideal of courtly love, fun to be around, and loving


Joan got really good press during her time because she was such a charmer and married to the most famous knight in Europe, Edward the Black Prince (see Top 10 Knights of the Middle Ages).  As the daughter and granddaughter of some of the most powerful men in England, Joan was brought up to know the ins and outs of royal intrigue and, as a bright and clever girl, she quickly caught on to how a woman could use her wiles to maintain her position at court and find allies outside it.  Other women had this talent too, of course, but Joan was heads above her rivals and contemporaries for the reason that she caught on to the game very early in life, and had a romantic-impetuous streak that propelled her to the forefront of the most desirable women/girls in England, or the rest of Europe for that matter.


All contemporary accounts say that she was strikingly beautiful, with perfect features, auburn hair that reached to her waist, and dark eyes, and was regarded as one of the most desirable women in the country.  The rituals of courtly love, whereby men wooed from a distance and spent their time writing poetry or fighting macho tournaments to impress the ladies instead of, say, actually sharing their company in a dark alcove somewhere was well embedded in elite culture by the 14th century, so Joan’s ability to play several games of love simultaneously without either getting her reputation ruined or her head lopped off stands as testimony to her superior social abilities. Kudos!


Joan married Thomas Holland, at 12, but without permission, and when he went a-crusadin’ she married an Earl, assuming that as with most crusaders Holland would not return for a good long time. Return he did, however, and a scandal erupted from which she emerged relatively unscathed, though famous, and got dispensation from the Pope of all people to stay with Holland.


Meanwhile, Joan inherited the Earldom of Kent in 1353 and, a few years later, Husband #1 died.  The timing could not have been better because the English, led by the Black Prince, had just scored their greatest victory over the French at Poitiers (1356) and the victor was in need of a wife.  With Holland’s body not yet cold in the ground, Joan married Edward and produced the future King Richard II.  She then proceeded not only to rule in English France, but also foster the most brilliant court, which in France is really saying something.  The French chronicler Froissart called her “the most beautiful woman in all the realm of England, and the most loving.”  Fair maid indeed!


At the death of husband #3, Joan returned to England to support her son’s reign as the new King and, as the power behind the throne, helped him navigate the treacherous waters of social and political upheaval.  She helped Richard II overcome overweening barons and the Peasants’ Revolt.  His reign was successful until Joan died in 1385, after which things unraveled very quickly until he was at last overthrown in 1399, ending the Plantagenet dynasty.  This combination of political astuteness, cultural patronage, and unadulterated loveliness is enough to get Joan the #7 spot, but her second-tier fame and lack of long-term impact keeps here there.


guinevere


Known For:  Being the wife of King Arthur, lover of Sir Lancelot, ideal of the good but flawed queen


Sex Appeal:  High-born beauty, nasty and vulnerable side, ultimately untrustworthy


Guinevere is the only imaginary entry on this list, but she gets in because she is a composite of great medieval women: she has the piety of Margery Kempe and political power of Matilda, she is a muse like Beatrice and object of romantic-sexual devotion like Heloise, and she kept a magnificent court like Joan of Kent.  However, Guinevere is also the prototype of flawed and tragic women in Western literature and has the fame to prove it.  Unlike the other women listed earlier, she gets to be a Biblical allegory too, as writers cast her as Eve, allowing the serpent of lust to enter the Eden of Camelot.  On a more Earthly level, Guinevere is the wronged wife, and unlike so many female characters in the Western medieval literary canon her plight is utterly convincing, which is why despite actually having little to say or do in the King Arthur cycle, she is central to the story of the glory and the sorrow of the Round Table and the fate of misty Albion.


Taken within a strictly medieval context, Guinevere is neither saint nor sinner, but a regular noble woman of good breeding and a fine sense of duty. She also pretty much covers all of the ground of female characters of the Middle Ages – wife, lover, queen, nun, patron, noblewoman, and thus she can be seen as the most complete imaginary woman of the Middle Ages, even set against Chaucer’s infamous Wife of Bath.  Of course, there is no consistent portrayal of Guinevere in literature, particularly in the Middle Ages, and much depended on the level of misogyny in the respective writer.  Thus, over several hundred years of retelling this most famous tale we find examples of Guinevere having children, conspiring against Arthur, and being abducted by Mordred on account of her beauty and intelligence.


She is not just an archetype – she represents several archetypes.  The Arthurian romances were widely popular, from Wales to Germany to Sicily, and each culture remodeled the story.  She is the original damsel in distress, she brings down Camelot through unfaithfulness, she is the obsession of the king, and she is the object of lust of many knights.  Guinevere represents the ideal of courtly love with her numerous suitors.  She is also the repentant sinner because of her adultery, an attitude that suited the Church just fine, as well as the minds of many insecure men, and so becomes the ideal nun, sacrificing her happiness and status as an admission of guilt and acceptance of punishment.  Of course, it was pretty darn safe in the convent, and like Heloise she carries the torch for her first and only love right up until the end.


Some might argue that #6 is high for a fictional character that was so malleable, but I argue that her immense fame and cultural impact more that make up for all that.  Guinevere stays where she is.


saintcatherine


Known For:  Mortification of the flesh and talking back to kings


Sex Appeal:  Almost none, except for the fiery temper


Catherine was a saint with immense political clout, perhaps even more than the Popes of the time, which is all the more impressive for her gender and origins.  She is the quintessential female medieval saint in that she starved herself, had visions of Christ, joined a strict order of nuns, and wrote spiritual texts.


Catherine had an inauspicious beginning.  She was born on the eve of the Black Death, began having visions at age five or six, vowed chastity at seven, and was almost forced into marrying the husband of her dead older sister at sixteen.  Creepy family, but not uncommon.  For the record, her family worked in the cloth-dryer trade in Siena, a prosperous proto-industrial and financial center in Tuscany that took advantage of the political revolution wrought by Matilda of Canossa.


Catherine joined the Dominican Order as a Tertiary, which allowed her to live at home instead of in a convent.  Catherine’s big year was 1366, when she entered into a ‘mystical marriage’ with Jesus after a vision and a bout of stigmata.  This was about as good as it got for a medieval female saint – holes in the hands ala The Crucifixion and a quasi-sexual bond with the Lord incarnate.


These events led her out of her parental home and into the world of charity when, because of her piety and intense devotion, she acquired a band of followers.  No doubt she was a bit of chatterbox, because she was hauled up before the Dominican tribunal in Florence to explain herself after it was reported that she was mouthing off around the countryside advocating clerical reforms and preaching yet another crusade.  Such ‘man-talk’ was none of her business, of course, and she was let of with a warning, but this proves that Catherine was unrestrained even by the loosest conventions regarding the place of women.


Naturally, the warning had little effect, and Catherine continued not only preaching in the same vein as before, she began writing to Pope Gregory in Avignon and to the great princes of Italy to stop fighting already and instead get on with the business of being true Christians and kill the infidel.  One would expect that most of the upper crust would regard her as a crank, but Cathy was erudite and unrelenting, and she had a lot of people behind her.  In many ways, she was in the right place at the right time, because this was a period of political fragmentation in Italy and the Babylonian Captivity of the papacy, whereby the Pope had to live in France instead of Rome because the Dolce Vita there was just too intense.  That and all the political killings.  Indeed, the daughter of Siena took it upon herself to visit the Pope and tell him to get his ass back in the bosom of St. Peter and properly do things in his domain already.  Gregory complied and, amidst great pomp and bloodshed, the Pope returned to his original throne after a 70-year absence.  That is what it means to have a man wrapped around your finger.


More than 300 of Cathy’s letters survive, including those to Popes, Kings, infamous mercenary John Hawkwood, Queen of Naples, Visconti family of Milan, and numerous religious figures.  Her major work is The Dialogue of Divine Providence, a dialogue between a soul who ‘rises up’ to God and God himself.  Then she starved herself to death.  Because she was so loved as a politically active and socially aware holy woman, a fight broke out over her body until, in bits and pieces, she was returned to the city of her birth.


Today, she is a joint-patron saint of Italy. Catherine rises to the #5 position by brute force of personality (she scares me) although her contributions to politics, theology and sainthood as well as her current fame justify her place.


eleanorofaquitaine


Known For:  Independence and plotting against her husband, the King of England


Sex Appeal:  Wealth, charm, and an independent streak a mile wide


This is a really obvious one, so I apologize in advance, but I make her #4, so I’m already taking my apology back.  Eleanor was high-born, of course, but got super lucky when she inherited a duchy and a county in the best part of France, which was also the best part of Europe at the time.  That was rare and sweet enough, but it didn’t take long for the dogs to come sniffing around, being single and all, and she was snapped up by the King of France.  Nice.


However, Louis VII was a bit immature for her and so she agitated for a divorce on the grounds of kissing cousins (well, that and she couldn’t come up with a male heir, which was part of the reason for her existence) and, since they had buckets of money, they had the Pope annul the marriage.  Evidence that this was pure malarkey, and that Eleanor was a woman of independent and fiery spirit, is found in her second marriage: to another cousin, this time the future king of England, Henry II.


With one hot passion meeting another hot passion, they quickly produced eight children, including five boys, two of whom became kings of England and famous to boot – Richard the Lionheart and John Lackland.  Of course, passion has a dark side as well, and when Eleanor wanted to share in the ruling and do what ever she damn well pleased, she became so estranged from Henry that she helped her sons foment war against their father – several times – even after he had locked her up in the tallest tower of the biggest castle…


Eleanor was very well educated, and not just for a woman.  Plus, she could ride and hunt and hawk as well as any knight and kept a vibrant court, sponsoring the best and sexiest artists in the land.  She was the maker of fashion, and inheriting the biggest chunk of land in the most prestigious corner of Europe gave her the cash and prestige to carry through her projects.  She also had the proverbial testicular fortitude to accompany her first husband on campaign to the distant Second Crusade in the Eastern Mediterranean, where she was captured but able to extricate herself and a bunch of friends.  Her daughter Matilda married future Holy Roman Emperor Henry the Lion of Saxony (a lot of Leos here).  After her second husband’s death, she served as regent for Richard the Lionheart, who was her favorite son anyway, and helped her lesser son John rule until her death, after which it all went pear-shaped for him.


And she was a knight magnet; medieval knights were attracted to glory like fleas to the Bubonic Plague.  Eleanor did England’s military reputation a favor by ransoming the greatest knight of all time, William Marshall, before he became the William Marshall (see Top 10 Knights of the Middle Ages).  On her way from home from picking a bride for her son in Castile, was accompanied by the greatest French knight of the time, Mercadier.  What helped her was that Eleanor was universally proclaimed as perpulchra, which means “more than beautiful”, or in current parlance “super hot”.  When she was around 30, Bernard de Ventadour, a big-time troubadour, called Eleanor “gracious, lovely, the embodiment of charm,” extolling her “lovely eyes and noble countenance”.


Eleanor made an impact in the area of court manners.  In The Art of Courtly Love, Andreas Capellanus (Andrew the Chaplain) refers to Eleanor’s court of Poitiers.  He claims that several women, including Eleanor and her daughter Marie de Champagne, would sit and listen to the quarrels of lovers at court and serve as a jury to the questions that revolved around romantic love.


ladyjulianofnorwich


Known For:  Being really mystical


Sex Appeal:  Not so much unless you like the ethereal type


Julie lived a long time but, despite that, not much is known about her personal life.  That is all very useful for one of England’s greatest mystics, allowing for all sorts of myth-making anecdotes to be constructed on her behalf, and this uncertainty helped her get in good with a whole range of churches after her death.


Like Catherine of Siena and Margery Kempe, it was a bunch of visions of Jesus that got her on the road to deep religion.  This was in 1373 and she not only wrote them all down, Julie also applied her acumen and analyzed them, creating the basis for her mystic theology.  In other words, she wasn’t just a charismatic religious visionary who gathered followers by speaking well and ruffling feathers, again like Catherine of Siena, but comprehensively worked them out on her own in written form.  She was relatively well-known in her own day, but the power of her words resonated down through the centuries, unlike those of so many other mystics.


Julian was one of the first women in England to publish in English, just ahead of Margery Kempe.  Her sultry-sounding Sixteen Revelations of Divine Love, which explains her theology, is optimistic, unlike most religious works back then.  In a time of Black Death and rampant mortality, Flagellants and brooding images of hellish torment, Julian wrote of God’s love in terms of joy and compassion rather than rigid law and unyielding duty.


In other words, it was personal – not institutional, an idea that challenged the class hierarchy that informed medieval society.  She believed in mercy over punishment, and that the mystery of God’s love stood at the pinnacle of faith; this notion greatly challenged the reliability of the established church.  Her theology was unique in three aspects: her view of sin, her belief that God is all love and no wrath, and her view of Christ as mother.  According to Julian, God is both our mother and our father.  Can we say proto-feminism? The idea here is that because God is the Creator, He is like our mother.  Interesting.


All this was not done in a cold, dank cell in the Norfolk Broads, but with the editorial assistance of some of the better religious minds of the day in England and on the continent.  She has her own feast day in May, or on the day she was “shown” her mystical revelations.  However, Julie got away with these contrary if not radical ideas because of her position as an anchoress of a respected convent.  Also, the church had bigger fish to fry at the time, such as suppressing a greater threat in one John Wycliffe and the Great Schism.  Seriously, how many Popes did these people need?


Another ground-breaking idea that she developed over the ensuing twenty years from that fateful night was that sin is necessary, as it brings self-knowledge.  Sin does not stem from the inherently corrupt and evil nature of man.  Julie was not a dualist.  Pain is the pain of the Passion of the Christ.  It’s all about the learning process, not aspirations for divine forgiveness, since that would come anyway and imply that sins are wrong.  No, sin is like a bad exam result – deal with it and move on.  “God is nearer to us than our own soul” and “in falling and rising we are ever preciously kept in one love”.  She laid special stress on the “homeliness” and “courtesy” of God’s dealings with us, “for love maketh might and wisdom full meek to us.” All you need is love, man.


joanofarc


Known For:  Inspiring the fractious French to finally get rid of the English already


Sex Appeal:  Oh, a bit dicey here, since she’s underage and all, even by the standards of the time


Joan of Arc was a teenager from Nowhereatall, France who was at the right place at the right time to become a martyr and heroine of France, but at the wrong place at the wrong time to live a quiet life or even to become a venerated mystic (see Catherine of Siena and Julian of Norwich).  What set her apart from other teenage visionaries of the Middle Ages was that instead of the usual ‘getting in touch with the divine’ sort of message, Joannie claimed that God of all People instructed her to expel the English from France, which is pretty Old Testament, not to mention a national specific and rather secular message to issue from on high.


Of course, most of France was content to see the English off, but Joan was so adamant about her divine mission that at the tender age of seventeen she was able to convince the French (Please-I-Want-To-Be) King Charles VII that she could attain a military victory over England.  With nothing to lose, Charles sent her to lead his army at the siege of Orleans (note that he did not go himself), which was a key city for the recovery of English France, and so she slapped on some amour and won the day.


That was the high point of her career, while still alive.  Joan and her forces beat up on a few other English armies, but she was captured, tried and burned at the stake as a witch.  Then, she was rehabilitated and made a patron saint of France.


Joan was also a bit of transgender renegade, cutting her hair short, putting on trousers, leading an army, all that good stuff.  This was a big deal back then, since long locks, wide skirts and domestic servitude were key identifiers of womanly status.  No doubt young girls played ‘knights and cutpurses’ deep in the forests, far from the prying eyes of their parents, but for a young woman of no means to play soldier amidst a clutch of real men-at-arms was something unique.  Very few sainted ladies of the Middle Ages ever went that far when eschewing their gender.  Margery might have done accounts and Catherine pasted herself with mud, but they never denied their sex.  Even in prison, Joan only condescended to put on a dress because there was nothing else to wear.


Of all the medieval ladies on this list, Little Joannie has sparked the imaginations of more men and women than all the others combined.  She appears in Shakespeare, Voltaire, Tchaikovsky, even Mark Twain, not to mention a boat load of books and movies.  Her visions were curiously specific, and included an audience of male and female saints standing in her father’s field, who told her to get the dauphin (first heir to the throne) to Reims for his coronation.  Not to paint the French authorities as credulous; it should be mentioned that they did a thorough background check on her, whereupon they found her life beyond reproach and her visions sincere.  In fact, her presence at Orleans was a test of the veracity of her claims, since even medieval theologians possessed a grain of doubt in such matters.


Her military strategy was very aggressive, and she had if not the charm then the moral force to get the army moving to engage the English. She even took a cannonball to the head and crossbow bolt to the leg and survived to continue leading from the saddle.  In essence, this was the beginning of the end for English France.


Joan of Arc also defied the convention of medieval sainthood by refusing martyrdom when she was finally captured, instead choosing to make several escape attempts.   She was fashioning her own fate.  This was no inner musings with God about personal salvation and the quest for truth, the revealed Word and the like; this was about crusading to save France.  In 1431, after a comedy of errors, the English tried Joan for heresy, since that would have been the only way to discredit her in the eyes of the French authorities and people.  However, she was cleverer than she looked, and avoided in incriminating herself.  Being as sad as they were impatient, the English courts ended up just forging documents and intimidating witnesses to ‘prove’ their case, so they had her burned at the stake.


However, her heroic image could not be reduced to ash, so in 1456 another trial was held, by the French this time after the Hundred Years War was over, and exonerated her.  Joan has ever since been a symbol of national liberation.  She is one of the most studied women in French history, but even with all this, I cannot justify granting her the top spot.


christinedepizan


Known For:  Doing just about everything and leaving an impressive legacy


Sex Appeal:  Beauty, elegance, intelligence, talent, what’s not to love?


In some ways Christine was lucky.  She was born near Venice to a prominent physician/astrologer who found a great gig in the court of Charles V of France, where fatherly indulgence and a massive up-to-date library opened the door for Christine to educate herself to the level of the most learned theologians of the time.  Although married at 15, she was blessedly widowed in her mid-twenties, allowing her to resume her self-studies.  However, the threat of poverty and need to support the remnants of her family (her father lost his job in 1380) obliged her to turn to the quill, rather than remarry, and so she was able to put all that knowledge to good use.  This was remarkable, since not only was writing a strange way to make a living – period, it was doubly strange for a woman to do so, and she had no patron.


However, Christine well understood the turn of the quill on parchment.  She also understood marketing and promotion.  She wrote love ballads and sold them at court for good coin, since it was a sentimental time, but she only rose to prominence when she decided to enter one of the main literary debates in the early 15th century.  This was no mean feat because, as a woman of commerce, and therefore in an especially fragile economic and social position, Christine opened herself up to ruin should some meany-bobeeny decide to put her in her place.


The debate in question revolved around the literary merits of the famous medieval epic Romance of the Rose, to which Chrissie objected because it not only denigrated women, including the high born, but also contained vulgar and unrealistic dialog, thereby reducing the value of the work.  Bottom line: she was a proto-feminist and understood high-brow art.  People of influence listened and were impressed.  It was the first in a long line of challenges to the literary establishment.


Now well ensconced in the art scene, Christine wrote her magnum opus – Book of the City of Ladies and the accompanying Book of the Three Virtues, wherein she does something revolutionary – demonstrate the importance of women to society in a secular context and teach women in all classes to be well-rounded intellectually.  This was pretty cool because, not having much in the way of literary example, she was able to adapt Platonic dialog to create a utopia a century before Utopia.  She was clever enough to understand the importance of discourse and gestures in the definition of personality before the full-blown onset of the Renaissance.  Christine argued that a woman could only be influential, whether at home or at court, if she spoke in the values of chastity, virtue, and restraint.  In other words, she not only advocated that women speak their minds, but also that they employ rhetoric to assert themselves.


In another act that revealed the strength of her convictions, Christine eulogized Joan of Arc within moments of her execution.


The brilliance and influence of this independent literary gal attracted the interest of the highest circles, and Christine was more than once invited to take up residency as a sort of poet laureate in England and Milan, which was the most powerful city-state in Italy.  Her patrons included not only kings of France, but also the powerful and cultured dukes of Burgundy, Berry and Bourbon, in other words the royal family.  She remains one of the most studied medieval women and her writings were critically accepted by many post-war feminists, including Simone de Beauvoir.


Somehow, she managed to escape being tried as a witch, although it is difficult to say how wide her later works circulated.  Of course, that might have been a survival strategy on par with that of Copernicus, and a desire to leave a powerful rallying call to independence to future generations of women.  She knew about love, she about knowledge, she knew how to flourish at the brightest courts, she knew how to say her piece without serious repercussion, and she knew about survival.  Christine de Pizan, you can be anything you want, and so you are #1!


Evan Ostryzniuk is the author of the historical novel Of Faith and Fidelity: Geoffrey Hotspur and the War for St. Peter’s Throne (Knox Robinson Publishing, 2011).  His second novel, Of Fathers and Sons: Geoffrey Hotspur and the Este Inheritance, comes out in December 2012.  He has a PhD from Cambridge University and can be found at: www.evanostryzniuk.com.


Coming up next…


Top 10 Diseases of the Middle Ages


Top 10 Battles of the Middle Ages


Top 10 Inventions of the Middle Ages


Top 10 Heresies of the Middle Ages

Top 10 Awesome Game Show Moments

Top 10 Awesome Game Show Moments

Audiences have been tuning into game shows since the popularization of television because they are not only exciting, but educational.  This staple endures because it is win-win:  easily produced in Hollywood, and easily produces in viewers the desire for positive life change.  For over 60 fun-filled years, these programs have made us cheer as we share victories and mourn defeats.  The following is a list of the Top Ten Game Show Moments, ranked in order of awesomeness.


While December 16, 2008’s awesomely-perfect showcase bid shocked Drew Carey and halted the show to assure fair play, nothing beats the hosting prowess of Bob Barker on the old TPIR.  A longtime defender against animal cruelty and sexual harassment suits, Barker was always warm and funny during his 30-year run on the program.  He was particularly on top of his game when Yolanda Bowsley popped out of her tube top on her hurried dash to Contestant’s Row.  Barker would later quip, “she came on down, all right, and they came on out!”


In his flashy monochromatic tie and shirt, Regis Philbin, host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, awarded the first million dollar prize in U.S. game show history on November 9, 1999.  John Carpenter did not even need to use any of his Lifelines to answer the questions– his Phone-A-Friend was spent calling his parents to announce his impending victory.  The cocky IRS collection agent later parlayed his fame into making multiple television appearances and co-authoring a book on trivia.


While many people pine for the old version of Wheel of Fortune in which eager contestants immediately shopped for prizes, the game show is still known for its overly-excited guests.  Chicagoan Raymond Taylor displayed an impressive (but strange) level of mania during his three day reign which resulted in more than $80,000 in cash and prizes.  But his zeal did not end there:  He moved to Los Angeles hoping to become a “permanent” member of the Wheel family.  After unsuccessfully hounding the studio for full-time employment, a restraining order was issued banning him from the property.


Relying heavily on sexual innuendo, The Newlywed Game’s bread-and-butter was provoking naïve couples to reveal embarrassing secrets.  Social mores of the 1960s and 1970s required strict censorship, toeing the line between forbidden and funny.  In 1976, ten-year veteran host Bob Eubanks did not anticipate the response he got to his query, “where specifically is the weirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge to make whoopie?”  Even after being prompted for a physical location, the new bride maintained her highly-specific answer.


In an effort to compete with new primetime mega jackpots, executives at Wheel of Fortune threw a $1,000,000 wedge into play in September 2008.  Odds of getting that prize were extremely low:  a player would have to land on the space in regular play, win that puzzle, be the overall winner of the game without hitting bankrupt, land on the one envelope out of 24 containing the million-dollar prize and correctly solve the Bonus Round puzzle.  Nonetheless, within weeks of the change, 24-year-old floral designer Michelle Loewenstein hit pay dirt.  This feat has not been repeated.


Wildly popular in the late 1950s prior to the scandal, Twenty One’s answer-rigging nearly killed U.S. game shows entirely.  After the first episodes demonstrated the questions were too difficult for contestants, producers placated angry sponsor Geritol by choreographing the entire program.  The triumph of handsome challenger Charles Van Doren over unpopular champion Herbert Stempel was loosely portrayed in the 1994 movie Quiz Show.  Stempel’s complaints to federal investigators were not given credence until Van Doren admitted under oath to a House Committee that he had been given the answers in advance.  In 1960, the Communications Act of 1934 was amended to outlaw game fixing but duped audiences were slow to embrace the genre for years.


The Dating Game was frequented by many notables trying to bolster their careers including Michael Jackson, Steve Martin, Farrah Fawcett, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Suzanne Somers.  However, no such contestant is as notable as serial killer Rodney James Alcala, who appeared in the midst of his murderous spree in September 1978.  Eerily charming, Alcala was chosen by the bachelorette to go on a whirlwind day of tennis lessons and amusement park rides.  Luckily, the date never occurred because Cheryl Bradshaw refused to go with the self-described successful photographer because she found him “creepy.”


The British game show Catchphrase required contestants to identify a familiar phrase from animated cartoon characters, often involving the Twinkie-shaped mascot Mr. Chips.  The November 18, 2004 episode featured a puzzle wherein the catchphrase was “snake charmer.”  To the delight of the audience, pieces of the puzzle were revealed in a manner which seemed to place Mr. Chips in a highly compromised position.


Michael Larson wisely spent his free hours as an unemployed ice-cream truck driver memorizing the five recurring patterns on Press Your Luck’s Big Board.  His May 1984 appearance garnered him an unprecedented $110,237 in cash and prizes and incensed CBS producers, who initially refused to pony up.  After realizing that he had not cheated but merely outwitted the system, Larson was paid but not allowed to return to continue his streak.  The mastermind later lost his post-tax winnings to a $40,000 house break-in and a real-estate Ponzi scheme.  After going into hiding for his illegal involvement in a foreign lottery swindle, Larson died of throat cancer at 49.


With 74 wins under his belt, it appeared that trivia master Ken Jennings might become a permanent fixture on Jeopardy! until he finally lost on November 30, 2004.  He was taken down by Nancy Zerg (who would place last the following day) on a relatively easy Business and Industry question.  After winning $2,522,700, Jennings was squarely defeated by Brad Rutter in the special 75-show Ultimate Tournament of Champions, spurred into creation by his remarkable run.  Jennings went onto pen three trivia books and, thanks to an appearance on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, is the all-time leading money winner in American game show history.

Top 10 Photographs Of Vicious Animal Fights

Top 10 Photographs Of Vicious Animal Fights

Mother Nature isn’t the kind-hearted, elderly matron that the hippies make her out to be.  She’s, in fact, a remorseless, half-insane danger junkie with a taste for blood and death that would make an Ancient Roman wince.  Don’t believe me?  Then check out these ten scenes of animals pitted against each other in brutal combat, with Mother Nature watching from the sides and cheering wildly the entire time.


tigervsbear


It was just another, typical day for Maggie the bear (name changed to protect her identity), and she was just chilling out near the local watering hole in the Ranthambore Tiger Reserve in Rajasthan, India, when the unthinkable happened: a tiger appeared!  Needless to say, Maggie was very surprised by this turn of events but didn’t let it show as she immediately charged the approaching feline and utterly kicked its fuzzy little behind.  She then did it again, when a second tiger appeared to save his pal.  Man, two tigers in one day?  What is this, some kind of Tiger Reserve?


The whole situation was captured on film by Aditya Singh, but what you can’t see in the pictures is that Maggie attacked the ferocious tigers first to protect her two young cubs.  Sometimes… a mother’s love can be a powerful thing.  Also: “full of teeth and sharp claws.”


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lionesses


I know what you’re thinking. “Why is TopTenz showing me a screencap of a deleted scene from ‘Gladiator’?  Also, should I get this growth on my neck checked out?”  The answer to both of your questions is “no” (OK, so the first one wasn’t really a “yes or no” question but shut up, I’m trying to make a point).  What you are seeing up there is actually a bunch of lionesses from the Masai Mara Reserve in Kenya having the most epic cat fight in the history of cat fights.


The picture was taken by wildlife photographer Steve Bloom who unfortunately could not confirm what the lionesses were fighting about.  But I bet it started with a passive aggressive comment about how one of them has started to go a little grey-furred before the whole thing escalated into “The Real Housewives of the Serengeti.”


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eaglevsfox


Quick question: you are a majestic, deadly Golden Eagle enjoying a plateful of mouth-watering half-frozen-animal-carcass-on-the-ground, when a scrawny fox comes over and tries to join in on the feast.  What do you do?  WHAT DO YOU DO?!


The answer: you grab that sucker by its hind legs and attempt to give it a quick first lesson in flying (warning: there is no lesson #2).  And that’s exactly what is happening in this 2006 picture taken by Finish photographer Pekka Komi.


Please pay close attention to the fox’s expression here.  If there ever was a more perfect example of an “Oh crap, maybe I shouldn’t have done this” face, I’ve yet to see it.


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zebravszebra


Zebras—generally recognized as the effeminate, gay cousin of the horse—are second only to panda bears on the list of animals you’re least likely to have nightmares about.  Or at least they were before photographer Winfried Wisniewski came and ruined everything with this picture.


Just look at those two magnificent zebra bastards.  There’s nothing cute or adorable about them.  That’s pure, unrefined hatred and bloodlust in their eyes, and actual blood in their teeth.  The scene was captured on film in Tanzania when the two males were fighting for supremacy in their herd, with their battle allegedly lasting for HOURS.  It’s unclear whether the winner then ripped out the loser’s heart and ate it but I will go ahead and assume that, yes, that’s exactly what happened.


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lionvszebra


Huh…you know what?  Considering the previous picture, this one doesn’t even faze me that much.  More so, considering that both of them were taken at the exact same place – the Ngorongoro Conservation area in Tanzania.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if that zebra up there was the winner of the duel from the previous entry.


Immortalized by wildlife fanatic Thomas Whetten, the scene in the picture seems pretty self-explanatory.  The lion was obviously all “Hey, zebra, Im’a eat u, K?” but then the Zebra was all like “ZEBRA KARATE” and wham, off goes the lion’s jaw.  Like I said, pretty self-explanatory.


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bearvswolf


Here’s a fun exercise.  Take a look at this picture, quickly realize that it’s timed so perfectly it could easily have come from a Disney movie, and try to come up with a caption for it in the comments.  The winner wins a year-long trip around the Sun.  This one’s from me: “I LOVED HER, YOU BASTARD!”


A little background for the picture to get you in the creative mood: the photo was taken by Flickr user Anne-Marie Kalus in 2011, and shows a wolf challenging a bear to a fight over Bambi’s mother’s corpse.  For the purposes of this contest, we will assume that the bear’s name is Trevor.


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crocvshippo


The hippo is probably the greatest secretly badass animal in history.  Yes it’s pudgy and goofy-looking, but it’s also one of the fiercest and deadliest predators on the African continent.  So, you’d assume that other residents of Africa, like the crocodile, would have heard enough about hippos to not go out of their way to piss them off.  Apparently this croc did not get the memo.


The scene captured in the image above by Vaclav Silha shows a crocodile that ventured too close to a herd of hippopotami, was quickly surrounded by them and then proceeded to lose his freaking mind.  Seeing no other alternative, the outnumbered reptile actually tried to escape with his life by climbing over the attacking hippos’ backs.


You know what?  I take back what I said about #8.  This is the perfect example of an “Oh crap, maybe I shouldn’t have done this” face.


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lionessesvshippo


“Open the door, hippo!  It’s the Karma Police!”  Here we see another work by Steve Bloom, this time showing a hippo who ventured a little too far away from the water and was suddenly surrounded by a pride of lionesses, all while being presumably taunted with “You’ve come to the wrong neighborhood, buddy.”


The gals then proceeded to maul the hippo to death and, by the looks of it, the hippo just sat there and took it like a chump.  It’s probably worth mentioning that the lionesses did not attack him for food or anything like that; during that time there were loads of zebras or wildebeests around.  No…they apparently tortured the hippo to death just for the fun of it.  B***hes be crazy, yo.


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elephantvscroc


One time in Zambia, Martin Nyfeler decided to photograph a mother elephant with her child, when he captured something far more powerful: a selfless act of motherly love…as a killer crocodile jumped out of the water and tried to eat the baby elephant.


His mom, luckily, was having none of that nonsense.  With the powerful jaws of the crocodile locked tightly around her nose, the mother elephant began to pull the croc away as far away from her child and the water as possible.  For a long time, the reptile wouldn’t let go of her, probably constantly pleading with the mom with lines like “Come on, I’ll only eat him a LITTLE.”  Still refusing to let the mama go, the crocodile was finally pulled out of water and the elephants made their escape.  Since that day, the baby elephant has never refused to eat all of his vegetables or brush his teeth.


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lionsvsbuffalo


And to cap off this tour de fear, we have a video!  This particular animal fight came to be known as “The Battle at Kruger” but that’s only because the people who filmed it apparently have no imagination.  This thing should clearly have been called “Battle Royale: Africa.”


The fight was filmed in 2004 at the Transport Dam watering hole in Kruger National Park, South Africa, by David Budzinski and Jason Schlosberg and, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that the whole thing was staged because it is just so perfect.  The video kicks off with a couple of lions approaching a herd of Cape Buffalo and ganging up on a young calf because, as we’ve clearly established, lions are dicks.  Then, when they accidentally knock the buffalo into the water, two crocodiles try to muscle in on their kill, and a regular tug of war between the lions and the crocs begins.


As the young buffalo was undoubtedly pondering just how many toddlers he must have murdered in its previous life to deserve this faith, the lions won the contest and were ready to eat the hell out of their prey.  That’s when the buffalo herd returned and the whole scene went from Saw to Braveheart.


The charging buffalo attacked the lions like an angry hammer of the gods, even sending one of them FLYING into the air.  And here’s the bizarrely happy ending: the young buffalo lived and even got to witness his herd chasing away the lingering lion, probably hurling insults at them the entire way.


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Written By Rick Raule

Top 10 Musicians Who Suddenly Died in the 60′s

In North America, Europe and Oceania, the 1960s was a revolutionary decade in terms of popular music. The industry underwent major changes as rock evolved. Talented musicians from all over the world began to try new techniques and produce a different sound. For this reason, a large number of extremely influential rock and roll, country, soul, R&B, and jazz musicians emerged during the 1960s. The revolution caught the attention of top record executives who often saw the freedom of expression as a problem during this hectic time of war, protest, and the Civil Rights Movement.

Similar to other decades of music, a large collection of important musicians suddenly died in the 1960s. Some of the people died under mysterious circumstances, while others experienced a tragic accident. All of the musicians included in this article were killed at an extremely young age. As you can imagine, it was hard to limit the entries to only ten names. For this reason, I will include an extensive list of people who were considered.

Otis Redding (soul singer), Jesse Belvin (R&B singer), Elmore James (blues guitarist), David Box (rock and roll singer), John Coltrane (jazz saxophonist), Nat King Cole (jazz pianist and singer), Judy Garland (actress and singer), Stuart Sutcliffe (bass player), Johnny Burnette (country singer), Little Walter (jazz harmonica), Eddie Sulik (country singer), Frankie Lymon (blues singer), Bud Powell  (jazz pianist), Luigi Tenco (Italian singer), Oscar Pettiford (jazz double bassist), Alexandra (German singer), Wes Montgomery (jazz guitarist), Dorothy Dandridge (actress and singer), Little Willie John (R&B singer), Eddie Brown (gospel folk singer), Peter La Farge (folksinger), Scott LaFaro (jazz bassist), Jan Johansson (Swedish jazz pianist), Magic Sam (guitar player), Ji?í Šlitr (Czech pianist), Hawkshaw Hawkins (country singer), Eric Dolphy (bass clarinetist), Don Drummond (ska trombonist), Jack Anglin (country singer), George “King” Scott (R&B singer), Ricardo Aguirre (Venezuelan folksinger), Tooter Boatman, Violeta Parra (Chilean composer), Catherine Warnes (Australian singer), Mark Leeman (R&B singer), Dickie Pride (rock and roll singer), Bill Black (bassist), Nick Pantas, Paul Clayton (folksinger), Roy Hamilton (R&B singer), Shorty Long (soul singer), Benny Benjamin (drummer), Ken Errair (singer), Luther Perkins (folk guitarist), Paul Chambers (jazz bassist), and Martin Lamble (drummer).

Johnny Horton was an American country music singer most famous for his semi-folk, so-called “saga songs” which began the “historical ballad” craze of the late 1950s and early 1960s. Horton released several successful records during his career, most notably during 1959 with the song The Battle of New Orleans, for which he was awarded the 1960 Grammy Award for Best Country & Western Recording.

During 1960, Horton had two other successful songs with North to Alaska and Sink the Bismarck. He was an influential musician who had a direct impact on the country music scene in the late 1950s. It should also be noted that Johnny Horton was a devoted follower of the writings of Edgar Cayce. In early 1960, he is said to have experienced a premonition of his death, telling friends and family that he would soon die at the hands of a drunk.

Untimely Death

On November 5, 1960, Johnny Horton went to Texas in order to perform a duet with Jerry Kennedy. During the visit, Horton stayed in his dressing room almost the entire time, saying that a drunk would kill him if he went near the bar. After the show, Horton and a group of friends started the 220-mile (350 km) journey back to Shreveport. While on the road near Milano, Texas the men crashed the car into a truck that came upon them on a bridge. The truck lost control, hit both sides of the bridge, and then plunged into Horton’s Cadillac.

Johnny Horton had practiced avoiding head-on collisions by driving into ditches, but on the narrow bridge, he had no opportunity. Johnny experienced severe head trauma in the accident and died on the way to the hospital. The 19-year-old truck driver, James Davis, was intoxicated. At the time of his death, Johnny Horton was only 35-years-old. He will be remembered for his major contributions to both country and rockabilly music. When Johnny Cash, a good friend of Horton’s, learned about the accident he said, “I locked myself in one of the hotel’s bathrooms, and cried. Johnny Horton was a good old friend of mine.”

In 1937, Richard Fariña was born in Brooklyn, New York, of Cuban and Irish descent. In the late 1950s, Fariña became a regular at the White Horse Tavern in Greenwich Village, which is an area of New York often frequented by poets, artists, and folksingers. At the tavern, Fariña met Carolyn Hester, who was a successful folk singer and his first wife. In 1961, Fariña was present when Hester recorded her third album at Columbia studios. The album includes Bob Dylan on harmonica. After the recording session, Richard Fariña and Bob Dylan became good friends. In 1963, Fariña met Mimi Baez, the sister of Joan Baez, and the two were married. Like Bob Dylan, Richard Fariña was considered a protest singer, and several of his songs were overtly political.

Untimely Death

On April 30, 1966, two days after the publication of Richard Fariña’s book Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up to Me, which is based largely on his college experiences and travels, Fariña was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was only 29-years-old. On the day in question, Fariña was attending his wife’s 21st birthday party. At the party, Richard decided to take a motorcycle ride with a friend up Carmel Valley Road. At an S-turn in the road, the driver lost control of the motorcycle and Richard was thrown from the bike. The driver survived the accident, but Fariña was killed instantly. The police said the motorcycle had been traveling at 90 miles per hour (140 km/h).

Richard Fariña was buried in a simple grave at Monterey City Cemetery. Due to his brief life, Fariña’s musical output was limited. However, several critics consider him a major folk music talent of the 1960s. Ed Ward has been quoted: “If Richard had survived that motorcycle accident, he would have easily given Dylan a run for his money.” Fariña’s best-known songs are Pack Up Your Sorrows and Birmingham Sunday, the latter of which was recorded by Joan Baez and used as the theme for Spike Lee’s film 4 Little Girls, a documentary about the 1963 16th Street Baptist Church bombing in Alabama. At the time of his death, Richard Fariña was also producing an album for Joan Baez, which has never been released.

In 1964, Bobby Fuller moved to Los Angeles with his band The Bobby Fuller Four. He was signed to Mustang Records by producer Bob Keane, who was noted for discovering Ritchie Valens and a collection of surf music groups. During this time in history, the British Invasion and folk rock dominated the music scene, but Fuller decided to stick with Buddy Holly’s style of classic rock with Tex Mex flourishes. His first Top 40 hit was the self-penned Let Her Dance. During the week of March 12-19, 1966, Bobby Fuller’s second hit, I Fought the Law, peaked at #9 on the Hot 100. The song was written by Sonny Curtis, who was a former member of The Crickets.

Untimely Death

On July 18, 1966, Bobby Fuller was found dead in an automobile parked outside his Hollywood apartment. He was only 23-years-old. The Los Angeles deputy medical examiners report indicated that Bobby’s face, chest, and body were covered in “petechial hemorrhages,” probably caused by gasoline vapors and the heat. His body was drenched with gasoline and the windows of the car were rolled up. The cause of death was listed as asphyxiation, “due to the inhalation of gasoline.” The report indicated that Fuller’s body had no bruises, no broken bones, no cuts, and no evidence of beating.

The boxes for “accident” and “suicide” were checked, but next to the boxes, the examiner left question marks. Despite the official cause of death, some people feel that Bobby Fuller was murdered. A collection of conspiracy theories have examined the similarities between the death of Bobby Fuller and Sam Cooke, the connection with Charles Manson, and the fact that Fuller often dated women related to the mafia. After his brother’s death, Randy Fuller took over lead vocal in the Bobby Fuller Four, but the group quickly broke up. The case remains closed and sealed under California law.

Fred Buscaglione was an Italian singer and actor who became very popular in the late 1950s. During his career, Buscaglione developed the public persona of a humorous mobster character with a liking for whisky and women. During World War II, Fred was incarcerated in an American internment camp in Sardinia. His musical talent was apparent and Buscaglione was allowed to join the orchestra of the Allied radio station of Cagliari. This gave him the rare opportunity to experiment with sounds and rhythms coming from the United States. At this time in history, most foreign music had been officially forbidden by the Italian Fascist regime.

After perfecting his routine in night clubs and theatres, Fred Buscaglione started recording songs in 1955. His first single (a shellac 78rpm record containing ‘Che bambola’ and ‘Giacomino’) sold 1,000,000 copies with close to no promotion. This fact caught the attention of people all over the world and Fred was propelled to a degree of fame he never considered possible. By the end of 1950s, Buscaglione was one of Italy’s most wanted entertainers. He appeared in advertising campaigns, on television, and in movies.

Untimely Death

Little is known about the events that caused the death of Fred Buscaglione, but on February 3, 1960, he was killed in a car accident just outside the U.S. embassy in Rome, Italy. The accident occurred in the early morning while Fred was driving his pink Ford Thunderbird. He collided with a truck and was killed instantly in the accident. He was only 38-years-old. In an important note, Fred Buscaglione deserves an honor for having encouraged musicians and singers from the 1960s to stand up against the conservative producers and discographers of the time. He demanded recognition for his art and style. In this role, Buscaglione proved to be an important figure in the rise of the “yellers” scene, which started to revolutionize Italian popular music in the 1960s.

Johnny Kidd was an English singer and songwriter. He was the front man of the rock band Johnny Kidd and the Pirates, which was one of the few early British rock groups to achieve worldwide fame. The Pirates scored a number of hit songs in the late 1950s and early 1960s. Johnny Kidd’s most famous song as a composer was Shakin’ All Over, which was a #1 UK hit in 1960. However, the bands style and influence far outshines their chart performance. The Pirates stage act was theatrical in a way that anticipated rockers of the 1970s, such as Alice Cooper. They used full pirate costumes, complete with eye-patches and cutlasses.

More importantly, and unusual for bands of the time, the Pirates had only one guitarist (not two), alongside a bassist and a drummer. Kidd didn’t play any instruments on stage and was only the vocal presence. This style was very influential on the rock bands of the 1970s, including Led Zeppelin and The Who. Johnny Kidd was also known to swing around on stage and would often damage the wooden framework. By 1964, when the British Invasion was taking shape, Kidd was left in the shadows. By 1966, it seemed that he was on the verge of a reemergence, but this was stopped by his sudden death.

Untimely Death

On October 7, 1966, Johnny Kidd died in a car accident on the A58, Bury New Road, Breightmet, near Radcliffe, Lancashire. He was only 30-years-old. Kidd was traveling as the passenger in a car that experienced a head-on collision. He was killed instantly in the crash and was cremated at Golders Green Crematorium, London. The Pirates’ bassist Nick Simper, who later became an original member of Deep Purple, was also in the car with Kidd and suffered a broken arm. In hindsight, Johnny Kidd and the Pirates are seen as an extremely important band in the history of rock music. They recorded music with an increased emphasis on electric blues and R&B, which is a style that influenced acts such as The Rolling Stones, The Yardbirds, and The Animals.

Dinah Washington was an American blues, R&B and jazz singer. She has been cited as the most popular black female recording artist of the 1950s. Washington has also been called the “Queen of the Blues.” Between 1948 and 1955, she had 27 R&B top ten hits, making her one of the most popular and successful singers of the period. Her recordings included blues, standards, novelties, pop covers, and even a version of Hank Williams’ Cold, Cold Heart.

During her career, Dinah Washington recorded a number of sessions with leading jazz musicians of the time, including Clifford Brown, Cannonball Adderley, Clark Terry, and Ben Webster. In 1961, she scored her last big hit with the song September in the Rain. Dinah was well known for singing love songs, but also had a strong and outspoken personality. In one recorded account before her death, Dinah Washington was performing at the London Palladium, with Queen Elizabeth sitting in a box. She told the audience: “There is but one heaven, one hell, one queen, and your Elizabeth is an imposter.”

Untimely Death

Dinah Washington was married eight times during her lifetime. Early on the morning of December 14, 1963, Dinah’s eighth husband Lane went to sleep with his wife, and awoke to find her slumped over and not responsive. Doctor B. C. Ross was called to the scene and he pronounced Washington dead. An autopsy later revealed a lethal combination of the drugs secobarbital and amobarbital. Dinah Washington was only 39-years-old and her death was officially ruled an accidental overdose. In 1959, Dinah won a Grammy Award for Best Rhythm & Blues Performance and she was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1993.

Eddie Cochran was an American rock and roll pioneer who had a small but lasting influence on rock music and guitar playing. During the 1950s, Cochran held the public image of a sharply dressed, rugged but good looking young man with a rebellious attitude. He epitomized the stance of the fifties rocker. Eddie Cochran’s only album released during his lifetime was titled Singin’ To My Baby and it featured his hit single Summertime Blues.

In early 1959, two of Cochran’s friends, Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, along with the Big Bopper, were killed in a plane crash while on tour. Eddie’s friends and family said that he was badly shaken by their deaths, and developed a morbid fixation that he would also die young. Cochran was anxious to give up his life on the road and spend time in the studio, thereby reducing the chance of suffering a similar fatal accident while touring. However, financial responsibilities required him to accept a 1960 tour in the United Kingdom.

Untimely Death

On April 16, 1960, while on tour in the United Kingdom, the 21-year-old Eddie Cochran died in a traffic accident. He was traveling in a taxi with his girlfriend (Sharon Sheeley) and a collection of musicians through Chippenham, Wiltshire, on the A4. During the accident, the speeding taxi blew a tire, lost control, and crashed into a lamp post on Rowden Hill, where a plaque now marks the spot. Cochran, who was seated in the center of the back seat, threw himself over Sheeley to shield her and was thrown out of the vehicle when the door flew open.

Eddie Cochran was rushed to St. Martin’s Hospital, Bath, where he died the next day of severe head trauma. The taxi driver, George Martin, was convicted of dangerous driving, fined £50, disqualified from driving for 15 years, and sentenced to prison for six months. Famous rock and roll musician Gene Vincent was also involved in the crash. He broke his ribs and collarbone and further damaged his weakened leg. Vincent died prematurely in 1971 from a ruptured stomach ulcer. In 1987, Eddie Cochran was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. His contribution to the genre of rock music was great and Cochran has influenced some of the most important music acts in history. The UK Rolling Stone ranked him #84 on their 2003 list of the 100 greatest guitarists of all time.

Sam Cooke was an American gospel, R&B, and soul singer. Cooke is widely considered one of the pioneers of soul music. He has been labeled the “King of Soul.” Sam Cooke was among the first modern black performers and composers to handle the business side of his musical career. He founded both a record label (SAR Records) and a publishing company. Sam also took an active role in the American Civil Rights Movement. During his career, Sam Cooke had 29 Top 40 hits in the U.S. between 1957 and 1964, including the songs You Send Me, A Change Is Gonna Come, Chain Gang, Wonderful World, and Twistin’ the Night Away.

Untimely Death

On December 11, 1964, the manager of the Hacienda Motel, Bertha Franklin, shot Sam Cooke to death in Los Angeles, California. He was only 33-years-old. His body was discovered in Franklin’s office with no shirt, pants, or underwear. Franklin claimed that Cooke broke into her office and accosted her over the whereabouts of a guest. After a physical altercation, Franklin beat and shot Sam Cooke to death.

A coroner’s inquest was convened to investigate the incident, which resulted in the finding of a justifiable homicide. The courts ruled that Sam Cooke was drunk and distressed at the time of his death, and that the manager killed him in self-defense. Some of Cooke’s supporters have rejected this version of the events and believe that Sam was murdered.

Brian Jones was an English musician and founding member of the Rolling Stones. He played guitar and harmonica for the group, but was also a talented multi-instrumentalist. Jones formed the Rolling Stones in 1962. He chose the members, named the band, chose the music they played, and was in charge of scheduling gigs. He was very influential and very important to the early Rolling Stones. However, by the late 1960s, Brian Jones was addicted to a collection of drugs and was pushed away from the group.

To the public, it appeared as if Brian Jones had left the group voluntarily, but this wasn’t the case. The other band members told him he was done with the Rolling Stones. On June 9, 1969, Jones released a statement to the public announcing his departure from the band. In this statement he said, among other things: “I no longer see eye-to-eye with the others over the discs we are cutting.” During the 1960s, Brian Jones was regarded as a fashion icon due to his rebellious and flamboyant style. His dress and manner influenced the fashion scene of 1960s London.

Untimely Death

On the night of July 2, 1969, Brian Jones was discovered motionless at the bottom of his swimming pool at Cotchford Farm, near Hartfield in East Sussex. His Swedish girlfriend, Anna Wohlin, was convinced that Jones was still alive when he was taken out of the pool, but when the doctors arrived, it was too late, and he was pronounced dead. The coroner’s report stated “death by misadventure” and noted his liver and heart were heavily enlarged by drug and alcohol abuse.

Brian Jones was 27 at the time of his death and for this reason is one of the members of the infamous 27 Club. Upon his untimely passing, Pete Townshend wrote a poem about him, Jimi Hendrix dedicated a song to him on U.S. television, and Jim Morrison of The Doors published a poem entitled “Ode to L.A. While Thinking of Brian Jones, Deceased.”  Jones was reportedly buried 12 feet (3.7 m) deep in Cheltenham Cemetery (to prevent exhumation by trophy hunters), in a lavish casket sent by Bob Dylan.

Patsy Cline was an American country music singer who saw success in the early 1960s with a collection of pop music crossovers. Cline was best known for her rich tone, emotional expression, and bold contralto voice. She helped pave the way for women in country music. Prior to the early 1960's, so-called “girl singers” were seen by the male-dominated realm of country music as mere “window dressing,” only necessary to attract male listeners to their shows. After her untimely death, millions of Patsy Cline records sold. As a result, she has been given numerous awards and accolades, leading some fans to view her as an icon similar to legends such as Johnny Cash and Elvis Presley.

Untimely Death

On March 5, 1963, Patsy Cline and a group of country singers boarded a private plane (single propeller 4 person Piper Comanche PA-24) headed for Nashville, Tennessee. The plane took off in severe weather and crashed in a forest outside Camden, Tennessee, only 90 miles (140 km) from Nashville. Randy Hughes, Hawkshaw Hawkins, Cowboy Copas, and Patsy Cline were killed instantly in the crash. At the time of her death, Cline was at the height of her career and was only 30-years-old. Her friends Dottie West, June Carter Cash, and Loretta Lynn recalled that Patsy told them that she felt a sense of impending doom and did not expect to live much longer. Cline is considered one of the most influential, successful, and acclaimed female vocalists of the 20th century.

Bonus

Krzysztof Komeda

Krzysztof Komeda was a Polish music composer and jazz pianist. He is perhaps best known for his work in film scores. Komeda wrote the music for Roman Polanski’s movies Rosemary’s Baby, The Fearless Vampire Killers, Knife in the Water, and Cul-de-sac. In 1965, Komeda released an album titled Astigmatic, which is widely regarded as one of the most important European jazz albums in history. During his career, Krzysztof used the stage name of Komeda due to the Polish communist government’s dislike of jazz. In all, Komeda wrote more than 70 soundtracks during his lifetime. As a jazz musician, he exerted a crucial influence on original style, often described as the Polish school of jazz.

Untimely Death

In December 1968, in Los Angeles, Komeda had a tragic accident which led to a hematoma of the brain. It is unclear exactly what happened to him, but several accounts exist. One story involves a car accident in the autumn of 1968 while another says that Komeda was pushed off an escarpment by writer Marek H?asko during a drinking party. Roman Pola?ski mentioned the event in his memoirs and said that Komeda was injured as a result of “friendly rough-and-tumble” with Marek H?asko, and that Komeda suffered a severe head injury.

After being transported back to Poland, Krzysztof Komeda died as a result of wrong treatment of the hematoma. It is believed that one of the main reasons he was transported to Poland after the accident is that he did not have U.S. medical insurance, but this fact has not been proven. Since Komeda’s tragic death at the age of 38, his music has influenced a large collection of jazz musicians from all over the world.

Check out our YouTube playlist for this top 10 list for more footage of our top 10 musicians who died in the 60s.

Top 10 Non-Profits Straight Outta Science Fiction

Top 10 Non-Profits Straight Outta Science Fiction

Sure, you can start a nonprofit based on giving food to hungry people or clothes for cold people, but why deal with boring real world problems when you can prepare to fight Terminators by making yourself into an immortal cyborg supervillain who also lives in space?


AAAI


This is a nonprofit dedicated to, well, advancing artificial intelligence, apparently because they haven’t seen 2001: A Space Odyssey, or Terminator, or The Matrix or…any robot movie really, because smart robots never turn out well.


Yes, they’re totally real.  They have a website.  You can read their bylaws, and browse their officers, which include University Professors and a guy named “Ted Senator” as their treasurer, which means they can say they have a (guy named) Senator as their treasurer.


On top of that, they organize one of the top conferences in the world (that are about smart robots), which is probably a lot like knowing the most about hot sauce (of anyone in your dorm room).


ImmortalityInstitute


We honestly can’t decide if this group are our heroes or just scare us a whole, whole bunch.  On one hand, their mission statement is to “conquer the blight of involuntary death,” which sounds pretty rad.  On the other hand, it’s also true that Longecity is just their “trade name” — the Immortality Institute is the “inner circle of voting members,” who decide the direction the organization goes.  This surprised us because we thought The Avengers had stopped them back in the seventies.


Keep in mind they only want to stop dying of old age; they’re not doing anything about diseases, car accidents, or starvation.  They’re trying to solve pretty much the one problem that only the luckiest people in the world get to face, so it’s no surprise that they come across as kind of elitist — for example, this thread talks about the potential affordability of immortality, and someone makes the analogy that though cell phones cost $1,000 in 1980, now “even kids in 3rd world countries have them.”  Sure, okay, but kids in 3rd world countries aren’t dying of old age.


singularityinstitute


These guys are a lot like the AAAI, but they’re on our side.  Their mission is to “bring rational analysis and rational strategy to the challenges facing humanity as we develop cognitive technologies that will exceed the current upper bounds on human intelligence.”


Since we’ve all seen movies where robots squish us like the pathetic meatbags we are, it’s nice to know that someone out there is trying to prevent us from being used as batteries.  They do clarify, in case you were wondering, that “if a super intelligent AI causes the extinction of humanity, it will likely be due to indifference, not malice.”  They also say that they’re interested in creating a world that looks “more like Star Trek, less like Terminator.”


Hey, anything anyone does to make this video come true is fine by us.


CRNconference


Have you ever worried that one day billions of microscopic, self-sustaining, repairing and reproducing robots would eat the entire world?  Now you will!  Take a gander at the Center for Responsible Nanotechnology (not “use” of nanotechnology — apparently they want the robots themselves to behave responsibly).  One of CRNs biggest concerns is what they call “Grey Goo,” and we hope you weren’t planning on sleeping ever again, because:


“When nanotechnology-based manufacturing was first proposed, a concern arose that tiny manufacturing systems might run amok and ‘eat’ the biosphere, reducing it to copies of themselves.  In 1986, Eric Drexler wrote, ‘We cannot afford certain kinds of accidents with replicating assemblers.’…We wish we could take grey goo off CRN’s list of dangers, but we can’t. It eventually may become a concern requiring special policy.”


Aaaaand it gets worse:


“The human lethal dose of botulism toxin is about 100 nanograms, or about 1/100 the volume of the weapon.  As many as 50 billion toxin-carrying devices—theoretically enough to kill every human on earth—could be packed into a single suitcase.”


But this is just a bunch of crazy people, right?  Not exactly: in 2005, they created a task force of 60+ International Experts that have written a series of essays on possible scenarios and created a “roadmap initiative” to prepare for the nanopocalypse.


One year later, the FDA did the exact same thing.


humanityplus


Humanity…plus, huh?  What’s that mean?  Let’s check out their statement of purpose:


“Humanity+ is an international nonprofit membership organization which advocates the ethical use of technology to expand human capacities.  In other words, we want people to be better than well.”


So, like… better?  Best?  That’s how superlatives/comparatives work, right? That seems…noble, we guess, if a bit vague.  Let’s dig deeper.


“Humanity stands to be profoundly affected by science and technology in the future.  We envision the possibility of broadening human potential by overcoming aging, cognitive shortcomings, involuntary suffering, and our confinement to planet Earth…”


That sounds pretty cool…


“We advocate the well-being of all sentience, including humans, non-human animals, and any future artificial intellects, modified life forms…”


Modified life forms? Wait….


“We favor allowing individuals a wide personal choice over how they enable their lives.  This includes use of techniques that may be developed to assist memory, concentration, and mental energy; life extension therapies; reproductive choice technologies; cryonics procedures; and many other possible human modification and enhancement technologies.”


Cyborgs! Cyborgs! These people want to be cyborgs! We want to be cyborgs too.


The philosophy is called “trans-humanism”, and it straddles the line between crazy and awesome so well that we honestly have no idea which one to call it, so we’re just going to go with “crazy/awesome.”  Crawsome, if you will.


mormontranshumanist


Mormon cyborgs!  They wanna be Mormon cyborgs!


What’s amazing is that for these two cyborg organizations (cyborganizations?), their goal isn’t just self-improvement, but moral self-improvement.  They aren’t just fantasizing about becoming General Warfield; these are people who saw the ethical problems raised by Blade Runner and I, Robot, stood up solemnly and said “no.  Not on our watch.  Mormons… assemble.”


seti


We’re not going to make fun of these people because they seem to bereally, really smart.  Sure, they spend all their time looking for aliens, but they’ve also gotten the government to pay for it for over 20 years, so…


Everything they do is based on something called the Drake Equation, which was developed in 1961 to “determine how many intelligent, communicating civilizations there are in our galaxy“.  Conveniently, the Drake Equation shows that even though they haven’t found any yet, we should keep funding SETI until they do because they’re totally on it, you guys.  They promise.  Jodie Foster says so.


spacetourismsociety


The Space Tourism Society is a non-profit with the goal “to conduct the research, build public desire, and acquire the financial and political power to make space tourism available to as many people as possible as soon as possible.”


Um… it seems like the free market might already be on this, guys.  ”I wanna go to space” is one of our personal goals too, but is this really “let’s start a non-profit” worthy?  We also wouldn’t mind living under the sea or having a second faucet in our home just for whiskey, but there’s something about being 501© certified and asking for donations for something that sounds cool to the eight-year-old in you that just rubs us the wrong way.


There are a lot of hungry people in the world, is our point.


planetarysocietybillnye


Wait, there’s another one?  And this one has a picture of Bill Nye The Science Guy using telekinetic powers to float a giant billiard ball?


We may have just changed our mind about this.  Carl Sagan, Bruce Murray and Louis Friedman founded the Planetary Society in 1980, and now Bill Nye serves as Executive Director.  They’re the largest space-interest group in the world (and yes, space-interest is a thing).


Their latest goal is to tell NASA and the US Government to stop messing around and get us to Mars already, because Mars!


And yes, we did just contradict the point of our last entry.  It’s amazing the difference Bill Nye can make in our opinions on stuff.


IEET


While we’ve just gone over those that want to protect robot rights, those that want to protect against robots, those that want to be robots and those that just want to get to Mars already, we’ve finally found the organization that does all three: The Institute for Ethics and Emerging Technologies.  Not the biggest Non-Profit out there, and not the most focused, but they sure are the most aware that the future is gonna be way weirder than you could ever hope.


On their website you can find a collection of essays criticizing trans-humanism, an explanation of different bio-political points of view, and updates on Lockheed Martin and NASA’s Deep Space Exploration… stuff.


They even hold polls to see if their readers think robots are deserving of human rights.


The future is here, kids.  And it kinda rules.


You can read more by JF Sargent at Doc Sarge’s Funkademy of Antagonistics and PCulpa.com. Also Twitter.